Why Adverbs Matter: A Cautionary Tale

The following exchange took place in my classroom the other day after the daily announcements, one of which had been for eighth graders interested in playing football next year for the high school. A student whom we’ll call the Goofball sits at the front of the room and I was standing near him.

The Goofball: Man, I wish I could play football – I’d get laid.

Me: (He cannot possibly have just said that he’d get laid. Maybe he said late? That doesn’t make any sense, but you never know.) What did you say?

The Goofball: If I could play football, I’d get laid, because ---

Me: (In the middle of class? Seriously? This is what you say?) Okay, stop. Let’s talk after class.

The Goofball: But I was just saying ---

Me: After class!

After class, I pulled him out in the hall. It was the end of the day and I had a few kids staying after to catch up on some work, so I didn’t want to have this conversation in my room.

Me: Okay, Goofball, tell me again what you were saying.

The Goofball: Okay, see, there was this announcement about playing football next year….

Me: Right…

The Goofball: And I was just saying that I wished I could play, because I can’t, because I won’t be in high school.

Me: Right, but that’s not all you said.

The Goofball: Yeah, I was saying I’d get laid out.

Me: Laid out.

The Goofball: Yeah.

Me: But that’s not what you said.

The Goofball: No, I said get laid, but that’s what it means.

Me: Get laid means get laid out.

The Goofball: Yeah.

Me: Like get knocked down, laid out on the ground.

The Goofball: Yeah.

Me: You know what else it means, right?

The Goofball: …No.

Me: You seriously don’t know what it means?

The Goofball: No.

Me: (Is he scamming me? I kind of don't think so.) Um...it means have sex.

The Goofball: It does?

Me: Yeah.

The Goofball: Oh. Ohhhhhh.

Me: You really didn’t know that?

The Goofball: Nooooooooo.

Me: Here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to go next door and call your mom, and see if SHE knows what get laid means.

A minute later, he came back into my room, wide-eyed.

The Goofball: Well. My MOM sure knew what it meant.

Me, starting to snicker: And now you get why it was wildly inappropriate to say in class.

The Goofball: Yeah. Oh yeah.

Me, laughing hysterically at this point: And why you can never, ever, ever, ever say that again in my classroom.

The Goofball, nodding the whole time I’m talking: Oh yeah. Mmhmmm. Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER again.

How could I NOT love my job?