Too damn young.

A few weeks ago, I had lunch with one on my kids. She'd been pulled out of school VERY abruptly a month before the year ended (mom threw her out and she had to move in with dad who lives 20 miles away). She'd been pretty upset about it and we'd emailed semi-regularly. I had some of her work to give her and I wanted to make sure that she was okay, so I took her out to lunch.

We talked about this kid and that kid and her life and her future and various things....she's generally doing okay (though her life is far more chaotic than I'd ever before realized - but she's one of the most solid kids I know and I think she's going to be fine), so that was nice. Then with just a sentence, she made my head explode.

"Hey, you know Pretty Sweet Girl Who Always Has A Boyfriend? She was almost pregnant."

Aaaaah. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. THIS WAS NOT GOOD. "What do you mean, ALMOST pregnant?"

"Well, she was, but then....I guess she, like, lost it or something?"

"A miscarriage?"

"Yeah. So that was really scary - I was really upset when she told me."

Um, yeah. Because 8th graders should not be having sex. I know that's not a realistic thing to say, I know they are having sex, I know hormones make you stop thinking and do things you would never do if you were thinking clearly, I know kids have a tremendous need for acceptance and love and sometimes that's the only way they get it, and I know that abstinence-only education doesn't work for those reasons....but 8TH GRADERS SHOULD NOT BE HAVING SEX.

We'd made it all year with no pregnancies. Guess it couldn't last forever.

(Image credit to Paulina Sergeeva)

How long can you try?

Still struggling with the loss of trust over here. Some of the behaviors have changed (which is actually pretty awesome, since those have been problems for a loooooooong time) but it's still discouraging; I asked the student involved for one more thing to demonstrate that new leaf, and that has not yet come. Which makes me sad, because I don't think I can back down on this one.

And then I read a post by my friend TeachEnEspanol that was awfully similar to my situation (go read!), and the comment I left her applies equally well to me. She said:

I guess the truth is that they've made their bed. Why then, do I have such a hard time letting them lie in it?

And my response, which I need to remember for myself as I'm having that hard time:

It's hard because it takes a long time to break a habit that was formed over a long time....and you want them to break that bad habit. And you want them to get that feeling of success that elissa mentioned, and you want them to have the triumphant end to the year that everyone else has had.

Because you're a good teacher and you care and even when you know someone has made the wrong choice, you still want to believe that they CAN make the right one.

Because you see though the missing work or supplies or appropriate attitude to the kid underneath who can make you laugh or has great insights into the reading or is kind to the bullied kids or takes on too much responsibility at home.

I'm not saying you should keep giving chances because that's not the best thing for the kid either (I'm in the middle of that myself......sigh), but that's why it's hard. At least, that's why it's hard for me. :/

That's why it's hard. That's why I have such a difficult time letting go. That's why I can't give up, even when my husband and my colleagues think I'm being too soft.

The picture I chose today is kind of a cheesy metaphor, I know that, but still. I believe that light is there, and if we can just keep going, just a little further, we'll reach it. Because how sad would it be to quit when (I think) we're so close?

(Image credit to extranoise)

Sticky situation

One of my girls is having.....issues (to put it v. mildly) with two other girls at the school. Long to short, Athleta was BFF with one of the other girls, they grew apart, both shared inappropriate secrets, a cafeteria fight was narrowly avoided, and the other two got suspended while mine only got a warning.

The conflicts have continued, and today it came to a head. At lunch, Athleta came into my room looking super upset. I asked if she'd come in to watch a movie (we'd discussed that earlier), and she shook her head. She grabbed her binder and started to head out. "Everything okay?" I queried. She gave me this look that was a mix of horror and deep irritation and stormed out.

For a second I thought about just letting her go - she's really mad at me right now (I wouldn't allow her to speak to me in an extremely disrespectful way on Thursday....yeah, I suck) and I didn't really want to have another conflict. But this seemed more than that.

So amid calls from some of the boys in my room ("Did she just roll her eyes at you?" "She's muggin' you, Miss!" "Dang, what's her deal, muggin' like that?"), I followed. "Athleta!" I called. She was already halfway down the hall but stopped reluctantly and waited. I caught up. "You okay?" But as I said it, I knew she wasn't - her eyes red and her eyeliner smudged halfway down her cheeks, she was anything but okay. I paused. "Honey, what's going on?"

And the story spilled out. The other girls had accused her of calling them names when she hadn't, and now she wasn't allowed to go on a reward field trip, which was unfair because she hadn't done what they'd said and the administrator in charge hadn't listened to her or even given her a chance to tell her side. Her mom was super mad, both at Athleta and the school, and she wasn't sure if she was going to be allowed to finish the year. Everyone hated her and she only had one friend left and she was so sad all the time and so mad too. The tears spilled over again as the words tumbled out, and all I could do was listen.

When she finished, I hugged her (sometimes you have to), and tried to find something to say. I offered to talk to admin with her, offered to talk to her mom with her, offered to take a witness to Athleta's side to the office. But she shook her head to everything; I don't think she could understand, not right then. So I told her we'd talk tomorrow, and I let her go.

I don't know what to do. It's not my fight, I know that, and I don't really want to get involved - administration's a little....touchy right now and I don't need to be on anyone's bad side. But I like this kid a lot, and she's miserable right now. I remember what that feels like, to be a teenager and have all of your friends turn against you and to feel like no one cares, like you don't matter to anyone at all, and I just don't want her to feel like that.

Should I still offer to go to admin with her? Should I talk to her mom (not to tell her what to do, just to make sure she's okay if I'm involved)? Should I just bow out?

Any input would be much appreciated. Because right now, gah.

(Image credit to megyarsh)

Should you give trust ultimatums?

I did something today. Gave an ultimatum. And I don't know if it was the right choice. I need you guys to tell me if I messed up.

I've written about Drama King a few times recently:

Drama King has been somewhat....difficult this year; he's feeling pretty burnt out on school and he's not getting a lot of work done. He's supposed to stay after school to catch up on his work and it happens now and again, but not with any regularity.

Today was another day he was supposed to stay, and OH he did not want to. And I get that, I really do - it's been a long day, he's tired, who wants to do more work after? But he doesn't get it done in class and he doesn't get it done at home and I don't know what else to do.

So he was all whiny about staying. And I told him that it was his choice and he could do whatever he wanted, but I gave him the serious unhappy-with-your-choices face, and he was like, "See? Now you're all mad!"

And I did the whole teacher, "I'm not mad, but yeah, I'm disappointed in you," spiel, and we went round and round on the whole thing, and it ended with him PROMISING that he would get a piece of writing done. And he pinky promised, which is something he usually doesn't take lightly (as juvenile as I feel doing it, kids seem to respond to it and mean it). But at first I wouldn't do it, because I told him that I didn't believe him. I finally agreed, but I told him that this was it - that if he broke this promise, that the trust was broken forever.

At that he wavered. "Like really forever? Like you won't trust me again?"

"Probably not, no. You've said you were going to do things too many times and not followed through. I'm tired of it. I'm done."

He thought for a moment, and then he held his pinky out, and promised.

I'm not sure - should I have told him that? I THINK it was the right thing, I think he needs to know that promises aren't something you can make lightly, but.....I don't know, I guess I'm just sad because I don't think he's going to come through, and it's going to break my heart a little tomorrow.

Sigh.

(Image credit to KaylaDavis)

I believe in her.

Sometimes I just don't know what to say.

I know; that's hard to believe. I am among the chattiest of Cathys, as you can all tell from my remarkably long-winded posts. And usually I'm just fine; I'm lucky enough to process quickly and so I can easily come up with replies to just about anything.

Note the "just about."

Because....I'm having a hard time with something.

I mentioned the other day that my student assistant, Bump It, is probably getting expelled. It's not definite yet, but it's likely - we run a three strikes kinda program for major offenses, and she fulfilled number three a couple of weeks ago (I'm not going to say anymore about why, just for confidentiality, even though this is already fairly anonymous). I heard about it from kids the next day, and was so sad; she's been my assistant since mid-October, which is when she transferred back to my school from the one she'd started at this year.

I'd had Bump It in 6th grade. Though she had some anger management and impulse control issues, they never came out in my classroom, so I was happy to try to mentor her when she returned. But in two thirds of the year, she never really opened up. She'd talk to me about stuff if I pushed, but only things I already knew about; maybe twice did she bring up anything new. But she was doing better than last year: grades, attendance, everything. I thought maybe she was growing up, and I was SO happy to see it.

And then. This.

A few days ago, a friend of Bump It's ran up to me and handed me a letter. I started to read it, but stopped halfway through; I knew from the first chunk that it would make me cry, and I couldn't do that before class. Later, I took the time to read it carefully, and I was right about the tears.

She feels hopeless. She's worried she'll never amount to anything. This has made her have goals - she wants to go to college, make something of herself, make her parents proud of her. That last part is especially important: right now, they think that she'll never amount to anything. Or at least that's what they tell her. (Most of my kids have awesome parents. But some make me sad.) She told me that the speeches I used to give her did make a difference, and she referenced a time that I asked her if she wanted to go to college. I don't actually remember this conversation, but apparently she said no, she didn't. And now she does, and she doesn't think she'll be able to.

I've been working on a reply. Here's what I've got so far.

Dear Bump It,

Thank you so much for your letter; I was so glad to hear from you. It made me really sad when I learned that you'd xxxxxxxxxxx, because you know I think you're so much more than that. I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time right now; you made a really bad choice and now you have to deal with the consequences (that's part of life), but what I want you to remember is that it was one choice, and it does not define who you are.

Bump It, you DO matter. You WILL be able to succeed. I'm so happy to hear that you want to go to college, because you're smart and capable, and you can do wonderful things with your life. Yes, you made a mistake. We all have. It doesn't end things for you.

Someone told me something once that has stuck with me ever since. She said, "Everyone makes mistakes. It's what we do after them that counts." I really believe that. None of us are perfect; we all mess up. It's what we do AFTER we mess up that defines who we are. You have an opportunity here to choose who you want to be, what direction you want to go. And you know the direction you want to go, and you can do it.

Whatever happens now, remember that this is just one part of your life, just one little part. It won't always be easy, and I know that. I know it feels huge right now - I know it's everything right now. But life goes on, and you will grow up, and things will get better. It might not help to hear that because it doesn't really feel real to you right now. Try to remember it, though, and try to focus on your goals for your future.

I want you to know that I will always be here for you and I will always believe in you. If you need help with something, call me. If you have a question, call me. If you want to just talk about life, call me. I believe in you. Believe in yourself.

Your friend,

Ms. Teachin'

What do you think? Okay? Lame? Should I change stuff?

(Image credit to Pink Sherbet Photography)

Gah.

I love field trips. Love coming up with concepts, love going on them, love talking to kids about them after. I even love the planning of them - figuring out what will be fun to do, why it's valuable, how to make it all work.

You know what I hate? GETTING KIDS TO RETURN THE DAMN PERMISSION SLIPS.

This should not be that hard! Of course, "should" is the operative word there...

Grrrrrrr.

Livin' on a prayer (and a contract)

Another self-harm contract.

This is something we do at our school, when a kid seems to be potentially in danger of hurting themself; after the risk assessment, one of the next steps is for the student to fill out a contract about who they're going to talk to at school and at home, two people at each if possible, if they're feeling like they might do something really scary.

This is the third time I've been listed as one of the contacts. Once last year, once earlier this year, and today. It's kinda intimidating.

I just have to remember that kids are trusting me when they tell me the things they do, when they list me, that they're telling me because they know I care and I won't just ignore it or walk away or pretend that what's happening is okay. It's a gift, for a student to share their deepest secrets, shame, pain with me, and even if it's a burden, it really truly is the thought that counts.

But I fucking hate worrying that they're going to come to me with this particular crisis.

This is why teachers don't want to talk to parents.

On Friday, I emailed a parent to update her on her son's performance in my class. He's missed a lot of school recently (with reason) but has made no effort when back to make up what he's missed or clarify assignments that he probably doesn't understand due to his frequent absences. When he is in class, he sits there without doing anything until I prod him to get started (something I only have to do with him, not any other student in that period), and frequently comes to class without any kind of supplies. He's missing a major assignment from almost two months ago (seriously! And I'm still going to accept it! I may have to change my late work policy here because this is absurd), and hasn't talked to me ONCE about it without me asking the status first. He is participating in extra curricular activities, just not, y'know, curricular ones. I said that I'd be happy to help him make up the work but that he needs to make an appointment with me to do that, that I won't force him. These are all things I thought she'd want to know.

Apparently not.

She emailed me back a furious missive about how bad my attitude has been since he started in my class, how I never say anything positive about him, how I complain about little things like him not having a pencil, how I said he could just not worry about the work while he was out (which I did - what we were on required direct instruction and I said he could continue his independent reading and then I'd catch him up when he was back [though I did not explicitly state that I'd expect him to actually do work when he was back....maybe that was my bad]) and how I clearly just don't care about him at all because otherwise I'd be more understanding.

Um. Okay.

This kid has something serious going on, that's true. And I have told him and his family in writing that his health is the most important thing, and I believe that. But....he's playing sports. Shouldn't I be able to expect that he can also make up missing work? And do the work when he IS in class? He's in eighth grade - shouldn't I expect him to actually talk to me when he comes back to find out what he's missing, especially when I've prompted him to do so? A pencil may be small, but it's kinda the basis of any possible participation, and thus it becomes big.

I'm frustrated here. I feel like I've gone out of my way to update this woman on her son's status (since she has never contacted me for any information) and I'm under attack. I'm glad she loves her son, glad she wants what's best for him, but I'm not going to compromise my teaching standards by letting him just not do assessments. And I don't know what to do.

My plan is to go to my AP with a draft of the email I want to send back, which will say something like the following:

Dear Angry Mom:

I understand how challenging this situation has been for all of you and I apologize if I upset you in any way. The goal of my email was to keep you aware of Kid’s performance in Language Arts, since at conferences you said you wanted to know if he was missing work or not living up to expectations in class and that email was a good way to reach you. I did send home that paper when Kid was out; perhaps I was not clear enough that he would still be expected to make up missing work. Though of course his health is the most important thing and always will be, he cannot pass the class without demonstrating the expected learning, which requires making up missing assignments. As I said in my first email, I would be happy to help him understand what he’s missing and complete that classwork, but he needs to talk to me about that. I really just wanted you as his mother to be fully informed about the situation, and again, I apologize if you took it in any other way. If you would prefer that I not contact you about Kid’s classroom performance, please let Mrs. AP, the 8^th grade assistant principal, know, and you and she can discuss options.

Sincerely,
Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Teacher,
teachin'

Probably still too prickly but I'm annoyed with the whole situation. Any thoughts? Feedback? Commiseration?

Because GAH.

THAT kind of day.

I started drinking whiskey at around 4:30 today.

Yep, THAT kind of day.

Honestly, most of it was really good. Got observed yesterday and in the post-ob recap, my principal had nothing but good to say. Everything in class went well - kids were engaged, working hard, productive. I talked several kids into trying honors classes in high school (I feel that if they're willing to try, they should get the opportunity), and talked two others out of taking a remedial class (which they don't need, they just thought it sounded easy).

And then. Oh, and then.

Two of my favorite kids lied. Flat out. To my face. They swore to me that they were telling the truth - swore on our relationship (and I have a GOOD relationship with both of these boys - Motormouth is one of them). And it was all a lie. From one, to avoid getting in trouble. From the other, to avoid ratting out a friend.

I went to the AP investigating the situation to say that I believed them. That I trusted them. To ask her to investigate further. And she did...and then they finally 'fessed up.

I cried when I heard. I feel betrayed, though I know it's not really about me. But about the broken trust. And about the fact that these two would have been involved in this situation (which I won't get into, but suffice to say, court dates will be assigned). And...well, and I feel stupid. Naive. Shouldn't have trusted. Shouldn't have believed.

It makes me not want to get involved. Not track down kids who are failing. Not push them to succeed. Not open my room before and after school and at lunch for a safe space, for extra help, for conversation. Not care.

I believe that they are better than this. But I don't know how to help them if they don't believe it themselves.

(Image credit to tanakawho)

Sometimes you have to fight for a cause you believe in.

As a teacher, I attend a lot of meetings. PLC meetings to plan instruction or to grade. Grade-level meetings about 8th grade issues. Faculty meetings. IEP meetings. Student behavior meetings. Evaluation meetings. They never seem to end, and I never seem to have enough time to attend all the required meetings and do all my other work too. And yet, yesterday I volunteered to go to an extra meeting on Monday, one at which my attendance might be considered less a standard part of my job....and more a declaration of war.

I mentioned yesterday that I'm going to this meeting because the student involved asked me to be there. Specifically, it's the Antagonizer. His current Language Arts teacher kicked him out of class this week, for the entire week, and told the whole class that she was doing it because he didn't want them to learn, he just wanted to distract them all and hold them back.

Now, I of all people know how incredibly obnoxious the Antagonizer can be. He is truly gifted at getting under people's skin - it's actually pretty remarkable, from sort of an anthropological perspective, when you're not the one he's harassing. So I can sympathize there.

But I also know that he's still a child, and that he's capable of trying and learning, and that he'll do it if he believes that the teacher actually gives a crap about his education. And I know that his current teacher speaks to students (and sometimes adults) more rudely than any other teacher I have ever met, and I know that you shouldn't talk about kids that way to their peers.

So I'm going to this meeting, even though the teacher will probably take it as a personal affront and will react accordingly. I'm going because this kid deserves better - because all her kids deserve better - and because in the end, my job is to promote my students' achievement. I might not have the Antagonizer in class anymore, but he's still my student and I still care about his success, and I can testify to his ability to achieve that success in a different setting.

She fired the first shot. It might not have been aimed at me, but it grazed me nonetheless, because I can't just walk away from a kid whose educational opportunities are draining out of him more and more each day. I'm in. Scared, but in.

(Image credit to yngvarda)

Blog blahs.

Hey. How's it going? Been enjoying your winter break? Yeah, me too, mostly. Except that I feel stuck on posting here.

It's not that I don't have anything to say. Let's be honest, this is me. I ALWAYS have something to say, and usually say it far too wordily. It's that....I don't know what to say. Nothing compels me.

Do I write about how I'm going to restart my classes? I could, I suppose......except I don't know yet. I have a few ideas, but I'm like a hummingbird, unable to settle on any one concept for good.

Do I write about how the last week ended? Even I'm not that interested in it, so why would you be?

Do I write about how nervous I am, how even though I know it's going to work out fine (and on some level I do know that), I don't quite believe it? There's not much else to say there.

I feel stuck, a bug in a drop of amber, able to see the outside world and know that I should be out there, but instead crystallizing in my own indecision.

I'm assuming I'll be better next week, once I'm back, once I'm with the kids, once I've made some decisions and restarted it all. I'll have to be. Because if I'm not, it's going to be a looooooong rest of the year.

We'll reconvene then.

(Image credit to jayegirl99)

Timing is everything.

One of my kids is in trouble.

He said something really dumb to another teacher and he was suspended for five days pending a threat assessment - funny how schools frown on students threatening violence to their instructors.

This is a kid who is generally pretty dang good for me. He does his homework, works in class, is usually polite.....we just work well together. I'm the exception - the teacher he threatened is the rule. He's a kid about whom I've been a little concerned with The Change as I'm probably the only teacher he likes.

Because of the suspension, he hadn't heard about the change until his threat assessment today. It came back low, and it's not going to go any further at this point, but his schedule will change immediately to remove him from that class. His only concern was if he could still be in my class.

For everyone else, the answer is a resounding "depends on what the computers do." For him, now, because the school's worried about him, because I'm his sole connection, because they want to make sure he doesn't deteriorate....for him, the answer is yes. He'll be hand-scheduled into it.

He chose the right time to do this; a few weeks later and he'd be in whatever class he was put in. At that point I'm not sure if they would have moved him back had he been placed elsewhere.

(Image credit to JDS303)

Seeing.

I made a kid cry today. Kind of out of nowhere, honestly.

It started in the cafeteria. He and another student were wrestling over a container of bubbles, and he bit the other kid. I've pretty much had it with biting (I can't believe I'm saying that, but it's true - we've had a minor biting epidemic. Yes, middle school. No, not three year olds. It's very weird) so I sent the two to the office to be dealt with up there.

Later I stopped in the office to ask about a separate issue, and ran into the administrator who'd dealt with it. Except that they'd both denied any biting, and she'd sent them back to class. When I pointed out that I'd seen the bite marks and could verify, she called them back up.

The first to arrive was Shortstop. He began by again denying the biting, to which I pointed out that I'd SEEN the bite marks and he'd SAID he'd bitten the other kid. He AGAIN denied it, at which point my administrator got annoyed and asked if he was calling me a liar. After a bit, he finally admitted to biting but said he hadn't meant to. And then my administrator got even more annoyed and pointed out that it didn't matter if he'd meant to or not, he'd been lying when he said he hadn't bitten anyone, and that they were going to be calling mom, and he was in trouble now. And that's when he welled up.

This is the Antagonizer's best friend, and he's a pretty tough kid. He and I don't always get along (I find his attitude annoying - he complains about accommodations that kids in special ed get and would rather do just about anything than do his work), but I didn't want him to think I was out to get him. Because honestly, that's how it would've come across to me if I was in his shoes. So I asked if I could talk to him for a minute.

I told him that I wasn't out to get him. He shrugged. That I know he thinks I don't like him - he nodded - but it's not true. That I think he's a smart kid and I wish he'd focus more in class, that I think he could do better than he does, that he could try harder, that he has a lot of potential. He shrugged. I said I was sure he'd heard all that before, and he shook his head.

He hadn't heard that he's a smart kid? That he has potential?

No to both.

Never?

No.

I couldn't believe it. What kid hasn't been told that at some point? I mean, seriously, does that happen?* And maybe he was lying again...but I don't really think so, because this is when the tears were slipping out more and more.

I talked some more about how he can do better if he tries (though he does okay), how I'll help him, how I hope he'll get over being mad at me but he doesn't have to, and he nodded. I asked if his mom had told him when I'd called home earlier in the year (one of my positive parent calls). Nodded. Did he like that I'd done that? Nodded. Would he like me do it again? Nodded. Okay, then, give me a reason. Show me I should call. Nodded.

Shortstop's not my favorite kid. His attitude frustrates me. But I left the whole thing feeling....well, just really bad for this kid. Probably the tears were because he didn't want to get in trouble, and he shouldn't've done what he did, but...to never have been told that you're smart. To never have been told that you have potential. That's.....that's terrible.

I'm going to focus on being nicer to this kid. On helping him do better in my class. On seeing him. Because I'm not sure any of us at my school really do right now.

(Photo credit to Mike "Dakinewavamon" Kline)

Feeling down.

This week was hard.

I say that every week this year, I think. But every week it's true. And maybe that's a post for another time...but right now, I'm just feeling like this week was particularly tough.

Wednesday, a student had an asthma attack at lunch. She was having trouble breathing but wasn't in terrible shape so I sent her up to the nurse with a few of her friends. A few minutes later, one of them came running back out. "Ms. Teachin', she stopped breathing! She almost fell down the stairs but we caught her!" I sent another kid to run and tell an administrator as I raced inside; I got to her just as our school health aide did. She was okay after a while, but BOY was that scary.

Thursday, two boys almost got in a fight outside my classroom. I saw them just before it started and could tell - the body language, the tension, the expressions on faces - so I started yelling at everyone around to get to class as I moved toward them. And I was YELLING. Then the pushing started, and I yelled even louder, enough that I scared the crap out of a good number of kids and I had two teachers come to check on me later to make sure I was okay. (I was fine - my basic philosophy in a fight is that I'm not getting in the middle of it, but if I can scream loud enough that they're more scared of what I'm going to do to them than they are interested in watching the fight, then they'll move away and at least not encourage any more violence. It works out okay, mostly.)

This after the incident at parent/teacher conferences last week, plus two of my favorite kids had an altercation and I'm going to lose one of them no matter what (one is probably going to transfer schools; if she doesn't, the other one will be moved off my core), plus another kid I adored withdrew because of a fight from last year, plus the Charmer's counselor called me on Thursday and I have no idea why (I called her a month or so ago just to touch base and make sure he doesn't fall through the cracks - I've done it for DC and the Eyeliner Queen as well - at the time he was apparently doing well) but probably because he's getting in serious trouble of some sort.......

I went to bed at 8:30 last night and didn't get up till 9:30 this morning. Tonight I'm going to see Zombieland and I'm going to forget about everything school-related.

Because gah.

(Photo credit to whatmegsaid)

Black eye.

Not literally (well, I hope not - I did actually somehow manage to smack myself hard in the right eye. A refrigerating closing incident that I still don't understand. I can see out of it again, now that half an hour has passed, and it's only moderately swollen, so hopefully tomorrow it'll be normal). But I'm not having my best day ever.

Perhaps yesterday's hubris (doing well, I said. Hah!) caused today's ruckus, but LORD my 8th period drove me crazy. I didn't yell, but I was pissed, and all lecture-y, and they knew it. Which isn't really any better, though I suppose it's at least easier on the eardrums.

The class changed dramatically today (seven new kids, pulled mostly from other periods but one new totally) to try to better provide services for some kids who need them. And the new dynamics are not ideal. I'll have a new seating chart tomorrow, and fingers crossed that will help, but right now bleah.

Plus I am totally losing with the Charmer. I wrote him a letter after the last incident and dropped it off at his house, but no one was home so I had no way to know if he'd gotten it. I have two of his best friends this year, though, and one, Motormouth, said he'd give the Charmer another copy.

This morning, Motormouth gave the letter back. "He said to tell you he doesn't want it."

I looked at him. "Did he read it?"

"Yeah, he read it, but then he said he doesn't want it."

Sweet. So I took the letter back, because what else was there to do?

The only upside is that I'd included a business card with my contact information, including my cell (he'd had that already, from last year, but I figured it couldn't hurt to throw it in again), and that he kept. I don't think he'll use it ever, he's just not that kind of kid, but at least he has the means with which to do so.

But clearly he just wants me to leave him alone and I don't see that I have any other choice.

So between my two failures of the day, I'm feeling a little down. I'm going to go take my dogs for a walk. Hopefully that will help.

(Photo credit to heyjoewhereyougoingwiththatguninyourhand)

FOUR. TEEN.

Dudes.

Oh, dudes.

I am so tired. I cannot even tell you.

Yesterday, I worked for fourteen hours. FOUR. TEEN. HOU. RS. (OW ERS? That would emphasize the pain....) The other eighth grade Language Arts teacher and I spent four hours after school teasing apart our district preassessments and the new rubric on which they are scored. (Which I a little bit hate. No way to score for word choice. No way to score for sentence fragments or run ons. Dialogue is required. What?) And in those FOUR FREAKING HOURS we got through....one class. One class of kids. Leaving five to go.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.

Alternately, alkfjdklfjdalfdi;ahi ai;ioe ehioadfsjk dafsj fjka;fksdi;eio 0 nsalkvdnjdskehklao.

That is how I feel.

Today, I was teaching or in meetings the entire day. First plan? PLC for Language Arts. Lunch? Lunch duty. Second plan? Talking to the reading teacher about our curriculums. After school? Meeting with district GT person about GT coordinating. After that? Meeting with my student teacher and the site professor about how I don't think my student teacher should randomly leave class in the middle of the period to TAKE CELL PHONE CALLS and GO BUY RED BULL. (Hyperbole? Oh no, no it is not.) ST seemed deeply annoyed with that perspective. Why did I agree to do this again?

I almost made one student cry, and totally unintentionally. He was late for my class today for the THIRD DAY IN A ROW and so I sent him out in the hall to discuss. He was upset. Deeply upset. Eyes-red-can't-look-at-me-jaw-vein-pulsing upset. And not with me, with himself for being late. He's a pretty damn cocky kid and I've heard people say before that making him cry in class would be good for him [funny to say - less funny to actually do], but I was horrified that we almost got there simply by me saying, "Are you late AGAIN? Seriously? Okay, let's talk in the hallway." We came up with a solution that he's going to try tomorrow, and I let this tardy slide, but I did threaten to destroy him if he kept showing up late. That he laughed at.

One of my most promising new students totally forgot to turn in an application for an enrichment program that would have been awesome for him. Like 50 kids applied and there are only 10 slots open, but still, I think he would have been great for it. And he just....spaced. He did agree to go into honors Language Arts though, so yay for that.

Attendance is already sucking hard. On any given day, I have anywhere from 10 to 15 students gone. And swine flu season isn't even in full swing. I'm thinking of just distributing face masks and telling them to power through.

Huh. This post is seeming really whiny. Um.....positives. One of my favorites from two years ago was in no honors classes at the beginning of the year. I told him I thought he should think about going into some; he refused point blank. A week later, he came and asked me if he could move to honors, and he's rocking it.

Annnnnnd....oh, I had a really good turnout for the first meeting of the school newspaper, so rock.

And although I did work for fourteen hours yesterday, it was really useful and I have a much clearer understanding of the rubric/requirements (and I'm being paid for that time which is sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet).

And I get to go to bed soon.

And this is my 100th post. :)

(Photo credit to My Buffo)

Disgruntled.

I have my first illness of the school year.

I don't even have students yet.

Grrrrrr.

Trying to squeeze through a window before it slams shut...

I mentioned at the beginning of summer that BB Bob probably wouldn't be coming back to my school. His family moved during the school year to a different district, and they'd missed the choice deadline so that was that. I had BB Bob's little brother as one of my students last year; he was super sad that he wouldn't be coming back to my school. I offered to let him know if a choice window opened up over the summer, and he eagerly agreed.

Today I learned that the window IS open, but just till tomorrow. I tried to call but none of the phone numbers we have for the family work. I could try the emergency numbers and see if any of them have a way to get in touch with the family, but I'd have to access those numbers tomorrow and then that doesn't give them much time to get it done. It's better than nothing, I suppose, but I wish I'd heard about this earlier, or that I'd been able to at least get in touch with them today.

At least I'm trying, right?

One step forward, seventeen steps back.

So right now I am…..I don’t know what I am right now. Hurt? Bewildered? Angry? Insulted? All? More? I don’t know.

I was supposed to meet with the Charmer today for our second official mentoring meeting. We’d had something scheduled for last week but he canceled because he was out of town. And that was the way he put it – when I was confirming with him and he said he couldn’t do it, he said, “Only because I’m not home this week.” So we rescheduled for this week.

When I got to his apartment, he, his mom, his sister and a friend of his were all in the living room. I said hi to them, and he said hi, then got up and walked out. And that was the last I saw him. He refused to come meet with me. He refused to even speak to me. His mom went to talk to him twice; the second time she came back and said he was literally bawling in his room but that he still wouldn’t come out.

His mom said that he kept saying that I’m a teacher and I tell other teachers stuff, and that it just seemed like he really didn’t trust me. She said she’d thought this would be good because he was getting in trouble but that he was upset about this at a level that she didn’t understand. She said she’d have to talk to him more about this because she didn’t know what was going on. She said he was worried I was going to hate him. She said she’d have him call me to talk to me at some point.

I have no idea what happened.

Last time he and I talked, he seemed to enjoy the conversation. I was the one who finally said I had to go, and maybe I’d overstayed my welcome and he hadn’t known how to tell me, but he seemed surprised that I was leaving. We’d talked about a whole bunch of things, from how he needs to watch what he says to the war in Iraq, and I thought it was fine. Good, even.

Today, sobbing in his room, refusing to speak to me. What?

When I got home, I called his mom to give her some more information that I’d thought of as I drove – the mandated reporter stuff. Because to me, wailing that I’m a teacher and I tell other teachers stuff seems like it might connect to that. And that maybe there’s something going on with him that’s dangerous enough that I’d have to report it.

His mom said she hadn’t thought of that, and that he spends a lot of time with girls so maybe there’s something sexual with him; I said that was a possibility, but that I was more concerned that he might be getting involved in some sort of violence. I didn’t explicitly use the word “gang” but that’s what I tried to imply. Hoping mom could infer what I meant.

Because….it worries me. It worries me with a lot of my kids. And I was hoping that the Charmer was smart enough to avoid it, but maybe he’s not. The friend he was hanging out with in his living room? Had lines shaved in his eyebrows. That’s a gang identifier; around my school, it’s normally for MS-13 and they shave one line in one and three in the other. I only saw one stripe in each but he left pretty quickly and I didn’t get a good look at the right side.

His mom said she’d talk to him more and she appreciated the additional information. I said I would appreciate a phone call from him at some point. She said of course.

I doubt it’ll ever happen.

I doubt I’ll ever see him again.

Maybe that’s for the best.

(This dog's face nicely expresses how I feel right now. Photo credit to C.C.Photo86.)

Karma matters.

The incident with two students repeatedly punching a third left me crushed. That it could happen in my classroom, whether or not I was there, that a third of the class saw it happen and said nothing, that the student being hit felt too afraid to say anything until under duress…that broke my heart. No one should be unsafe at school. I know that plenty of kids feel unsafe every day at school, but they shouldn’t. Plus I believe in karma – what goes around comes around. I want my kids to have good things coming around for them. I couldn’t just let it go.

So despite the pressures of the pacing chart before our state tests, I decided to take a day to address it with the class. I wanted to use some sort of video or text that they would relate to, rather than me just sitting down and lecturing them about it. What to use? My favorite, of course – The Freedom Writers Diary. I went through the book, searching for excerpts that would address the biggest issues: that kids don’t want to rat each other out, that they’re afraid of consequences for doing so, and that in the end, violence doesn’t solve anything.

Two of the stories were perfect for what I wanted. The first I chose was by a student who was being bullied by three boys, and he lashed out and almost killed one of the bullies in his rage. He ended up in juvenile hall for several days and had to do community service and pay a large fine. He deeply regretted and was ashamed of what he had done.

The second was about two boys from the Freedom Writers’ school who had gone to Las Vegas; while there, one of the boys murdered a little girl while his friend watched him kidnap her and then walked away without doing anything to prevent the crime. I had admin approve the selections and the lesson. Then I told Mr. Sincerity what I was going to do and gave him the choice to be there or to go to the library for the conversation; he chose to leave.

Here’s how it went. I started by talking to the kids about what had happened, that two of their classmates had repeatedly hit a third and that no one had reported the situation. I said that regardless of why it happened (because I knew that the kids probably believed that Mr. Sincerity deserved it – he’s not very popular while the Goofball and the Fidgeter are), it wasn’t okay with me. So I asked for thoughts as to why no one would say anything in a situation like this (that way it was sort of hypothetical as opposed to a direct attack on their personal choices).

The answers included: they thought the boys were just messing around; they didn’t want their friends to get in trouble; they didn’t want to get beat up themselves; they didn’t think it mattered; they didn’t want to get involved; and, of course, the ever-popular they didn’t want to be rats.

I hate the whole don’t-be-a-rat thing. It infuriates me to no end that society tells us that you shouldn’t be a snitch about anything, when really, it just means that thugs and criminals get away with dangerous behavior more easily. And with the gang activity at my school and in the neighborhood, the gang members push that concept HARD.

We read the first essay and talked about what would have happened had anyone told the bullies to stop bullying, or had anyone reported the situation to the school or the police; the kids pointed out that the writer would never have ended up in juvie and that the bully wouldn’t have been almost killed. They decided that because no one got involved, the situation got a lot worse when it didn’t need to.

Second essay. This one ends with a line about how David, the friend who walked away, had a chance to save two lives that day. We talked about that line a lot. The kids realized that it meant that both Jeremy and the little girl would have been saved if David had only spoken up.

I asked them if they thought it would be hard to tell your friend to not do something that you know is wrong. Almost all said yes, it would be really hard. I agreed with them. But are hard things important to do sometimes? Yeah, probably. We talked about how this probably wasn’t the first time that Jeremy had done something wrong, but that it doesn’t start big – with friends, it starts small.

It starts with your friend cheating on a test, and you don’t tell because they’re your friend and you don’t want them to be mad at you and it’s not that bad. And then they start pushing a kid around in the hallway and you don’t tell because they’re your friend and you don’t want them to be mad at you and it’s not that bad. And then they start shoplifting clothes and you don’t tell because they’re your friend and you don’t want them to be mad at you and it’s not that bad. And where does it stop?

Yes, it would be hard. And yes, it might end the friendship. But at the end of the day, you have to be able to live with yourself. We talked about the word karma then.

Did they all get it? No. Did they all agree? Certainly not. But it went well enough that I decided to do it with all my other classes the next day, and that was the day that my student Sparkles made a tough choice.

When the Goofball and the Fidgeter got back from being suspended, I did the same thing with both of them. I acknowledged that I didn’t believe they were the only ones at fault, but that they still made dangerous choices. With them, I talked about how if they’d gone to the sub to say that Mr. Sincerity was making racial slurs, they’d have been able to avoid the rage that led to the violence, and that they then would not have gotten suspended. Report it, I said. When someone’s messing with you, make sure that you’re protected so the consequences go to them, not you.

Will they always do that in the future? Probably not. But maybe they’ll do it once and avoid one future suspension. And that’d be a good thing, right?

(Photo credit to consumerfriendly)