I always feel the loss.

A student I adore sent me this email today:

Hi Ms. Teachin' -

I'm going to be leaving the school to live with my dad. I know it would be better if I just waited to the end of the school year but that probably wont happen. I just wanted to thank you for all of the support you gave me, it means a lot to me. Hopefully I'll be able to see you again but if I don't, Bye.

Apparently she ditched one day last week, and her mom decided she was done; washed her hands of her daughter. Her beautiful, intelligent, hard-working, sweet, amazing daughter, who sometimes makes mistakes since she's, you know, a KID.

Sigh.

Although I think living with her dad will be better for her (she's a lot happier when she interacts with her dad and much more nervous around her mom), I'm so sad that it's happening so close to the end of her last year in the school. It's just one more month - I'm really hoping she'll be able to find transportation back (that's the issue apparently) for such a short time frame.

I emailed her back right away to say how much I'd miss her and how much I hope it works out....she's a fabulous, fabulous, fabulous kid who really will change the world.

This is what's hardest for me about my school, bar none - the mobility. It comes with the poverty, I get that, but it's so heartbreaking to watch kids I love leave....and it happens all the time. The Charmer. DC. BB Bob. The Eyeliner Queen. The Natural Athlete. Slick. The Goofball. Kids I adore, kids I worked so hard to reach, kids who learned and grew and changed and were the better for having been in my class (at least mostly)....and they're all gone. And I'll probably never see most of them again.

I have to believe that at least some of the changes are for the best, and that they'll be okay no matter what (and they will, they will, I know that), and that they did learn something in my class, and that they end up okay. But it's hard to watch them leave and know it might be the last time.

They're good kids. They deserve the best. They deserve to be in good situations and I hope they are, I hope they're in better situations than before, I hope they find some stability and happiness.

But I miss them.

I hope she keeps in touch.

(Image credit to Eisenheim.)

Mixed messages

I am feeling rejected.

I STILL have not met with the Eyeliner Queen. I got cancelled on, and when I try to reschedule, I can’t get anyone on the phone.

As previously mentioned, I’m concerned about the Charmer. So I talked to his AP about me trying to mentor him as well, even if he’s not at our school. She agreed, so I started calling. I left two messages before I finally got mom on the phone (she said she hadn’t had a phone; possible, but would she still have had voicemail? I don’t know). I explained my concerns and that I wanted to keep in touch with him; she said she thought it was a great idea; we set up a time for the three of us to sit down and talk. That was today. When I called to go meet them, she wouldn’t answer her phone. I left a message, and another one an hour later.

Here’s the thing. I can handle rejection; I don’t like it, obviously, but I can deal with it. But I really don’t like these mixed messages. If the Charmer or his mom have decided they don’t want me to mentor him, that’s their prerogative and I’ll respect that. But it’s frustrating to be told that this is a great idea, how wonderful, more teachers should do this kind of thing, and then get sent to voicemail. If the Eyeliner Queen’s mom has decided she doesn’t want me to meet her daughter, her choice. Just tell me.

I could just stop calling – take the hint and move on. And maybe I will. But I don’t want these kids to think I’m giving up on them like so many other people have in their lives, so I’m not ready to go there yet.

I just don’t know what to do.

(Photo credit to brothergrimm, http://www.flickr.com/photos/brothergrimm/383193489/)

Dilemma

Okay, I could use some help with this one, so if you're reading this and you have any thoughts, I would SO appreciate hearing them.

The Eyeliner Queen and I are supposed to be meeting periodically over the summer to talk about books and writing. I proposed it, mostly because I’m worried about her and I thought it would be good for her to stay connected to someone from school (a safe place) over the summer when she’s spending most of her time at home (a less safe place). I cleared it with her counselor, her AP, her therapist, her mom, and her – all said it would be a great idea.

But we never got anything specific set up before the year ended, and now I’m having trouble actually implementing anything. I’ve spoken to her mom five times since the school year ended, and I get nowhere. Each time, mom regretfully informs me that the Eyeliner Queen is out or that mom is out, and assures me that the Eyeliner Queen will call me and we’ll get this figured out. Each time, nothing. I even gave them my cell phone number, something I’ve never done with a kid or parent before, since I’m not in my classroom anymore. And nothing.

My belief at this point is that mom really doesn’t want this to happen and isn’t passing the messages on to the EQ. I know that mom has objected to my relationship to the EQ in the past, because I’ve had to make several social services calls, so I’m assuming that she’s decided to prevent this but to do so in a very passive way.

And that’s her prerogative as a parent, I guess, but I’m not sure what to do about the Eyeliner Queen herself. I don’t want her to think that I’ve just given up on her, that I don’t care about her and about the commitment I made to her. I haven’t; I do. But I don’t know how to get that across to her if I don’t ever get to talk to her. I don’t have her email address, though I know she has one. I have an old personal cell number for her, one she shares with her sister, that I suppose I could use, but that feels like I’m really doing a runaround on the mom. She IS the legal guardian; she DOES get to make decisions. I know she has a MySpace, but I don’t use MySpace with kids, and again, same issue as the personal cell phone. I am meeting a couple of my kids in a week and a half for a lunch I owe them, and one of them is friends with the Eyeliner Queen; perhaps I could mention that I’ve been trying to get in touch with her and see if they can pass on a message?

I talked to mom just a bit ago and she acted like she was writing down my cell phone number (before I’ve left it on voicemail at her request) so maybe she did, and maybe she’ll pass it on, and maybe I’ll hear back. But if she didn’t, or she doesn’t, or I don’t, what do I do next?

Edit: Never mind! Just heard back from the Eyeliner Queen and we're getting together on Saturday, so there we go. 'Course, plenty could happen between now and then, but at least we have a plan.

(Photo credit to the_moment, http://www.flickr.com/photos/fotomaker/582091438/)

A good two years.

I finished moving to my new classroom yesterday. My lovely husband came in and helped me get it done, which was really good – the two of us spent close to three hours working, so had it just been ME, it would have taken me probably at least eight (he is stronger and more efficient than I am; I get distracted by shiny things and student notes and stuff).

I’m a little sad to leave sixth grade. Their exuberance and enthusiasm are so great, and they really want to love their teachers. You just have to give them a chance, and they’re in. Eighth graders…I don’t know. They’re a little more jaded and you have to prove yourself more, as I recall. Which I can totally do, but. It’ll just be different.

Mostly I’m excited. I found out that one of the reading teachers in my building whom I most respect will also be moving to my core with me, so that’s pretty rockin’. She and I are very different in some ways, but we both hold our students to very high standards, we both manage our classrooms in large part through rapport with the kids, we both believe in including ethics in our content lessons…we may butt heads at times as we are both strong-willed, but I think it’ll be awesome.

It’ll be fun to see which of my former kids I get again. The Eyeliner Queen probably won’t be back (long story), and BB Bob and the Charmer probably won’t either (another long story, which I’ll get to). But I know I’ll have some familiar faces, and that’ll be nice.

When I left my old room for the last time, I stopped for just a minute to look back. I’ll be in it again, of course, I’m still in the building and I’m sure I’ll be sharing curriculum with whoever is hired for that position, but it won’t be the same. Yesterday was the last time it was my room, or really ours, because it belonged to my kids as much as me, filled with our energy, our memories, our work and laughter and tears.

It was a good first two years. I can’t wait for the next twenty.

Updates.

The Eyeliner Queen is back and attempting to stay out of trouble. So far, it's going okay. She and I are going to keep in touch over the summer just so she knows someone is there if she needs support. I get super antsy over vacations if I don't have stuff to do, so this will be good for me too.

DC declined to pursue the issue with Ms. Science. He said he felt better after the weekend and it was just a few more weeks of school, so he could deal. I said okay, and he’s seemed fine since.

I readdressed the issue with the Charmer & Co. the next time they asked to eat with me. Reiterated how I was uncomfortable and why it was inappropriate. They apologized. I said if it happened again, we were done with the lunches. They agreed. It’s been perfectly appropriate since. It better stay that way.

The Natural Athlete filled out a sort of “don’t hurt yourself without talking to someone first” contract. At school, I’m his first contact if he’s feeling majorly upset and Ms. Counselor is his second. At home, it’s Dad and Grandma, I think. He was sent home early on Wednesday – I guess his parents thought it was kind of silly, but Ms. Counselor talked about how they might not agree, but his emotions are his emotions, and we needed to take it seriously. The next day, we touched base. He’s much better but promised to come talk to me if he needs to.

How is it only Wednesday?

It’s been a hell of a week. So far:

Monday:

• I had a student report to me some pretty unpleasant things going on at home. First Social Services call of the week.

• Another student told me he had a BB gun in his locker. Though he immediately said he was kidding, and I believed him, I still reported it, because come on. You don’t say that crap, EVER, but especially not on April 20th. They searched him, his backpack, his locker, his brother’s locker. No gun, but they found gang-connected bandanas. He was suspended for a day for representing colors.

• The Eyeliner Queen was suspended for three days for cussing out another kid. She was given an opportunity to try mediation, but refused.

Tuesday:

• The Charmer told me something that led to my second Social Services call of the week. With his trust issues, he kind of lost it when I told him I had to report what he’d said. He’s feeling angry, hurt, anxious, guilty, and I feel terrible that I’m part of him feeling that way. He’s not speaking to me.

• I started coughing so hard 8th period that I thought I was going to throw up. I told my kids to tell the teacher in the adjoining room that I might be dying, got a teacher from across the hall to come over, and hacked my way down the hall, tears streaming down my cheeks. A kid even came to check on me. Five minutes later I finally stopped.

Today:

• I sent a student to the office for pushing another kid in the hallway, to try to prevent a fight. DC then came to me and said it was his fault because he’d shot the kid with a rubber band, they’d gotten in a pushing match and it eventually degenerated to blows. No adult saw this. His name had not come up. It was out of nowhere. When I asked DC why he’d told me, he said he thought it was better to tell the truth now rather than try to hide it and have it come out later. I guess I appreciate his honesty.

• Another teacher told me that she suspects several of my favorite students of gang involvement. These boys are funny, smart, charming – of course a gang would want them. I want to cry.

If tomorrow’s not better, I’m going home, going to bed, and not getting up till June.

It's not the same.

I went to a wonderful banquet Friday night to honor one of my former students, who I'll call the Eyeliner Queen (obviously, she wears a lot of eyeliner). The banquet was presented by a county mayors' group, which honors students who have made a positive impact on the lives of those around them or have overcome adversity in some way. This was the second round of the award; the first round is done by city, and everyone who has been nominated receives the award, but the second round narrows considerably.

My school had originally nominated around 30 kids for the award; there's no reason not to nominate a lot, and for many of our students, this may be one of the only times in their academic careers that they'll be recognized for something positive (which is something else I take huge issue with, but that's for another time). Of those 30, two of ours made it to the county level.

The Eyeliner Queen was one of those recognized for having overcome adversity in her life. Without going into too many details, she was removed from her birth parents because of drug abuse (her mother later OD'd and her father has vanished). She was adopted into another family, a situation which presents some additional challenges including past physical abuse and potentially current emotional and verbal abuse. She's a good kid, but a bit of a mess, and I mentor her to try to help her stay focused on the future and positive parts of her life rather than the hell that she's been through.

The banquet was lovely. A seated dinner in a local country club; entertainment by a neighborhood high school; an inspiring keynote speaker; each student individually receiving their award after a paragraph about their struggles was read; photos with mayors and city council members; gift baskets including a sweatshirt, free passes to an amusement part, candy, and a plaque; drawings for more prizes; a really nice evening for a lot of kids who don't always have a lot of those. As I sat there, applauding for each winner and listening to their stories, seeing the shy pride mingled with embarrassment as they stood in front of the group, I thought how nice it would have been if the Eyeliner Queen had been there.

Because she wasn't.

Her mother wouldn't let her go. She'd been sick, and her mother thought it was a bad idea. I'd called three times earlier that week about it, and three times day of, trying to persuade mom to agree, and got nowhere. Mom insisted that the Eyeliner Queen was tired, didn't feel better, wanted to stay home, was asleep - every time I called, I got a new excuse or two as to why they wouldn't be there.

Every time, I talked about what an honor it was, how nice it would be for the Eyeliner Queen, how much I thought the family would enjoy it, how they could leave early if they needed. We'd talked about transportation and found options; we'd talked about if younger siblings needed childcare and found options. And nothing.

The Eyeliner Queen has struggled this year. She consistently passes only 4 of her 7 classes, and three of the ones she fails are academic content classes. Her attendance is spotty, and her attitude is shaky, and I don't blame her for any of it. Because with a family that doesn't just not support you but actively works against you.....how does a seventh grader overcome that?

When we're back from spring break, I'll buy her lunch, and give her the gift basket, and try to recreate the night for her verbally at least. But it won't be the same. And that breaks my heart.