Hugs, not drugs

I got hugged tonight. Twice. Once by a parent, once by a student.

It's not that this is a bad thing, per se. It was just....surprising.

I was at a basketball game - not for my school, but three of my kids are on the team and they'd invited me, so I went. I got there a little late so I sat by myself, but afterward, I went up to the mom of the kid who'd invited me. (Same mom, by the way, who was so mad at me earlier this year - we've come a long way since then.) I said hey, and she said hey and reached out and hugged me. And....I don't know, I was surprised but it seems rude to back away from a hug and she had already initiated it so I hugged her back. And then when her son came over, he grinned, "Oh! You came! Thanks!" and as he was speaking, reached up and hugged me. Again, I hugged back. What else could I do?

I generally don't hug kids. If someone's really upset about something and talking to me about it, I'll hug them, but I don't initiate it unless it's something like that. I'm more likely to do it with girls than boys, just because of...well, you know why, and no matter who I'm hugging, I usually make it a side hug, kind of an arm-around-the-shoulders-quick-squeeze-and-release kind of thing. Just for safety. Just to be appropriate.

The thing about not hugging, though, is that it sucks. I'm a hugger. Always have been. Greet my friends that way, say goodbye that way, give hugs for congratulations and excitement, hugs to console or empathize....it's a big part of how I interact with the world. But I can't with my kids because of the potential creepazoid factor.

That annoys me. Why should a few creepy weirdos who can't behave appropriately with students ruin things for everyone else? Physical contact is a good, healthy thing, and people need it - there's plenty of research that supports that. Virginia Satir even said, "We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth." Twelve! And now schools are banning hugging entirely!

I get the potential for problems, I really do. I had a colleague my first year who made me very uncomfortable because of his lack of understanding of personal space (both with his peers and with his students), and I have a friend who works in a school that had a teacher/student affair crisis. Both of those are terrible things, and no kid should ever, ever, ever have to go through that. But I just think that so many kids and teachers could benefit from a little more contact.

In general, I try to pat my kids on the shoulder or back, give high fives or fist bumps, or place a hand on an arm if I'm going to initiate physical contact. That's what I've done and that's what I'll stick with. I wish, though, that it could be different.

(Image credit to Julie McLeod)

This is why teachers don't want to talk to parents.

On Friday, I emailed a parent to update her on her son's performance in my class. He's missed a lot of school recently (with reason) but has made no effort when back to make up what he's missed or clarify assignments that he probably doesn't understand due to his frequent absences. When he is in class, he sits there without doing anything until I prod him to get started (something I only have to do with him, not any other student in that period), and frequently comes to class without any kind of supplies. He's missing a major assignment from almost two months ago (seriously! And I'm still going to accept it! I may have to change my late work policy here because this is absurd), and hasn't talked to me ONCE about it without me asking the status first. He is participating in extra curricular activities, just not, y'know, curricular ones. I said that I'd be happy to help him make up the work but that he needs to make an appointment with me to do that, that I won't force him. These are all things I thought she'd want to know.

Apparently not.

She emailed me back a furious missive about how bad my attitude has been since he started in my class, how I never say anything positive about him, how I complain about little things like him not having a pencil, how I said he could just not worry about the work while he was out (which I did - what we were on required direct instruction and I said he could continue his independent reading and then I'd catch him up when he was back [though I did not explicitly state that I'd expect him to actually do work when he was back....maybe that was my bad]) and how I clearly just don't care about him at all because otherwise I'd be more understanding.

Um. Okay.

This kid has something serious going on, that's true. And I have told him and his family in writing that his health is the most important thing, and I believe that. But....he's playing sports. Shouldn't I be able to expect that he can also make up missing work? And do the work when he IS in class? He's in eighth grade - shouldn't I expect him to actually talk to me when he comes back to find out what he's missing, especially when I've prompted him to do so? A pencil may be small, but it's kinda the basis of any possible participation, and thus it becomes big.

I'm frustrated here. I feel like I've gone out of my way to update this woman on her son's status (since she has never contacted me for any information) and I'm under attack. I'm glad she loves her son, glad she wants what's best for him, but I'm not going to compromise my teaching standards by letting him just not do assessments. And I don't know what to do.

My plan is to go to my AP with a draft of the email I want to send back, which will say something like the following:

Dear Angry Mom:

I understand how challenging this situation has been for all of you and I apologize if I upset you in any way. The goal of my email was to keep you aware of Kid’s performance in Language Arts, since at conferences you said you wanted to know if he was missing work or not living up to expectations in class and that email was a good way to reach you. I did send home that paper when Kid was out; perhaps I was not clear enough that he would still be expected to make up missing work. Though of course his health is the most important thing and always will be, he cannot pass the class without demonstrating the expected learning, which requires making up missing assignments. As I said in my first email, I would be happy to help him understand what he’s missing and complete that classwork, but he needs to talk to me about that. I really just wanted you as his mother to be fully informed about the situation, and again, I apologize if you took it in any other way. If you would prefer that I not contact you about Kid’s classroom performance, please let Mrs. AP, the 8^th grade assistant principal, know, and you and she can discuss options.

Sincerely,
Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Teacher,
teachin'

Probably still too prickly but I'm annoyed with the whole situation. Any thoughts? Feedback? Commiseration?

Because GAH.

Clearly, I'm a big jerk.

Today a parent yelled at me. First time since my first year of teaching.

My crime?

I told her daughter that when she's absent, she needs to stay after school to find out what she missed so she can make up the work.

Boy, I am an ASSHOLE. Trying to get a kid to do the work so she can pass? Wow, I suck SO HARD.

This kid missed the first three days of a writing project. She has no idea what's going on. She hasn't even asked in class for help - she just sits. When I tell her she needs to find out what she missed, she complains that she doesn't knooooooow what she missed, and continues to sit.

So today I had her call her mom to tell mom that she needs to find a way to find out what she missed. I can't catch her up on three days of work in a few minutes in class. It's not possible.

Mom yelled at me that they don't have a car right now and that it's my responsibility to get her child the makeup work. That I need to find a way to make it happen. That her daughter can't stay after school and I better let her come in at lunch or before school. I said that I have lunch duty and that her daughter is welcome to come in before school, but she's never asked to do that either. And then Mom said that of course her daughter couldn't come in before school and I wasn't doing enough to help the kid succeed.

I kind of thought that encouraging the girl to find out what she'd missed and letting mom know that she hadn't done that WAS helping her daughter succeed.

(Photo credit to blue_j)

Things you shouldn't say if you don't want to get smacked.

I almost started a fight at a party on Saturday. Not a physical one, but I came reeeeeeeally close to a severe verbal altercation. A friend actually had to talk me down.

One of my friends recently bought a new house, so she had a housewarming. She's a teacher in my district, though at another school. My district is pretty divided between schools like mine (inner city - we're 85% poverty, 70% minority, over 50% English Language Learners) and schools like hers (typical suburban, though percentages in each category are going up). She used to teach at my school before she spent a year traveling the world, which is how I know her.

At the party, she introduced me to a few of her coworkers. We were chatting and I mentioned my student who might be leaving, because if she does, she wants to go to this school (she lives near a bus route to it so it'd be convenient). I did it from a, "Oh, if you get the Chatterbox, she's one of mine, she's awesome, you'll love her" perspective.

The response I expected? Something like, "Oh, great, I'll watch for her." Or maybe a, "Why's she leaving?"

The response I got? "Oh, I have two students who used to go to your school. They like it sooooooo much better with us. They keep saying that your school is just dirty and gross, and there they were like the smartest kids, but at our school they're just normal."
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I'm not kidding. That's what she said.

I wanted to punch her in her smarmy, smug, stuck-up little mouth*. Instead I stood speechless for a moment, and then muttered something about throwing my plate away and walked off. Because I couldn't conceive of a way to be polite to her after that. Just wasn't possible.

I was so angry that I couldn't talk to anyone for a few minutes, and then I found a friend from my school and spewed the story. She pointed out that my friend the host has to work with this bitch every day, and probably it would be better to not make a scene, and I could always bring it up some other time if I ever see her again. And reluctantly, I agreed.

I'm still not 100% sure it was the right choice. I kinda think that when people say dumbass stuff they should get called on it, even if it'd be an awkward time in which to do so....but I made my choice and simply didn't talk to any of them again.

But if I do ever see her again? Oh, I will make my point. And it will be sharp, and she will remember it.

(Is the fish me, stunned at her idiocy? Is it her, mouth open wide enough to say something that dumb? Either way, credit to bensonkua)