Hugs, not drugs

I got hugged tonight. Twice. Once by a parent, once by a student.

It's not that this is a bad thing, per se. It was just....surprising.

I was at a basketball game - not for my school, but three of my kids are on the team and they'd invited me, so I went. I got there a little late so I sat by myself, but afterward, I went up to the mom of the kid who'd invited me. (Same mom, by the way, who was so mad at me earlier this year - we've come a long way since then.) I said hey, and she said hey and reached out and hugged me. And....I don't know, I was surprised but it seems rude to back away from a hug and she had already initiated it so I hugged her back. And then when her son came over, he grinned, "Oh! You came! Thanks!" and as he was speaking, reached up and hugged me. Again, I hugged back. What else could I do?

I generally don't hug kids. If someone's really upset about something and talking to me about it, I'll hug them, but I don't initiate it unless it's something like that. I'm more likely to do it with girls than boys, just because of...well, you know why, and no matter who I'm hugging, I usually make it a side hug, kind of an arm-around-the-shoulders-quick-squeeze-and-release kind of thing. Just for safety. Just to be appropriate.

The thing about not hugging, though, is that it sucks. I'm a hugger. Always have been. Greet my friends that way, say goodbye that way, give hugs for congratulations and excitement, hugs to console or empathize....it's a big part of how I interact with the world. But I can't with my kids because of the potential creepazoid factor.

That annoys me. Why should a few creepy weirdos who can't behave appropriately with students ruin things for everyone else? Physical contact is a good, healthy thing, and people need it - there's plenty of research that supports that. Virginia Satir even said, "We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth." Twelve! And now schools are banning hugging entirely!

I get the potential for problems, I really do. I had a colleague my first year who made me very uncomfortable because of his lack of understanding of personal space (both with his peers and with his students), and I have a friend who works in a school that had a teacher/student affair crisis. Both of those are terrible things, and no kid should ever, ever, ever have to go through that. But I just think that so many kids and teachers could benefit from a little more contact.

In general, I try to pat my kids on the shoulder or back, give high fives or fist bumps, or place a hand on an arm if I'm going to initiate physical contact. That's what I've done and that's what I'll stick with. I wish, though, that it could be different.

(Image credit to Julie McLeod)

Teacher Appreciation Week

I like Teacher Appreciation Week.

I don't work in one of those schools where the PTA goes all out and does big luncheons and gifts and things for teachers; we don't actually have a PTA (don't get me started on our lack of parent involvement, let alone engagement - Larry Ferlazzo would be so disappointed in us....), so not much happens there. Anything that happens is really coordinated by individual teachers, and so it's sort of hit or miss, but the things that do happen are really, really, really nice.

The seventh grade math teachers this year had kids write a Thank You Gram to a teacher in the school that they appreciated. Since I taught 6th grade last year, I got quite a few - some from kids that I knew loved me, and some from kids that were surprises. One even from a girl who really disliked me (or at least I thought she did....guess not). They were super sweet, and I will treasure all of them.

In my class, I asked kids to write letters to a teacher that they felt had really helped them with something, had really made a difference in some way. I asked them to be specific about what it was they appreciated because specificity is always good, and to write something that is at least four or five sentences long. And I told them they could write to anyone - to any teacher they've ever had in our city's metro area. All they had to do, if they were writing to a teacher from another school, is put the name of the school and the district at the top of the letter, and I'd get the letter to them. I did this last year too, and I felt it was a little more authentically appreciative than insisting on them writing to a teacher currently in the building.

Naturally, a lot of kids wrote to teachers at my school. But a lot didn't. I have letters to send to elementary teachers, guidance counselors and teachers at other schools (again, that mobility thing), even teachers who have moved out of the state (I'm Facebooking two people to get current addresses).

The letters are so sweet. I got several, of course - and I don't say of course because I think I'm such an awesome teacher that I deserve a bunch, but because I'm the teacher in the room asking them to do this. I don't want letters from kids just because they're looking at my face while they write them, only if they actually mean it, but I think at least a few probably wrote to me because I was there. Which is fine - but I'd rather they wrote to someone they really feel helped them.

Some of the letters I got, though, were so touching. I got one from Drama King in which he called me his hero (especially nice considering the last few weeks' ups and downs), and one from the Chowhound, in which he said he wished I could go to high school with him. I got one from the girl who'd written that she feels like I don't care when I don't notice that something's wrong; she wrote that I do notice when something is wrong, and that I'm the only teacher she's ever told a few personal things to because she knew I cared.

My very, very favorite letter was from one of my quietest students. She works hard, she always gets everything done, she will do and redo her work until it's good enough....she's awesome, but she's not one of the kids who comes and talks to me about stuff or who hangs out in my room or any of that. But her letter....oh my.

She wrote that she'd never liked Language Arts before this year but this year it's her favorite subject. She talked about how much she thinks she's grown as a reader and a writer. She finished by saying that I am one of the most unique teachers she's ever met.

As a teacher, hearing that you've changed someone's perception of your content area? That's a humbling and incredible experience.

I keep every single letter I've ever gotten from a student. I have them in a file; I don't go through them very often but they're there. Mostly it's because I don't feel like I can just dump these heartfelt and appreciative feelings into a recycling bin and walk away from them. That just seems so cold. But it's also so that I can go back and read them when I'm feeling down or irritated or something.

I will cherish these letters. And I hope that the teachers I send the other letters to will cherish theirs also. It's a little bit of extra work for me, but I think it's worth it. I know how meaningful it would be to me to get letters like these from former students who aren't even in my building anymore. I hope someday I get one, but until then, and honestly even after, I'll keep these notes both in my filing cabinet and my heart.

(Image credit to cello512)

Ultimatum update

I posted this in the comments, but thought I'd update here as well, re: my homeboy Drama King and my possibly unwise ultimatum.

I got very thoughtful comments from several people, but OKP's especially made me think.

I think you did the right thing. Let me start there.

I just don't know how it's going to work on your end. How does he know what it means to not be trusted? What does that look like?

If the trust is gone, does that mean he can't come to your room? You stop riding him about his work, or requiring him to come in? You don't call him by his first name (professional distance)? You don't give him tasks? Or treats?

Does it mean more detentions, more often? Calls home?

If the loss of trust has a consequence for him, then maybe he can try to earn it back.

I still think you did the right thing.

As soon as I read that, I was like, "....oh. Right. What does that actually MEAN." So then I thought about it, because, yeah, forever, awfully long time, and what DOES it look like, and decided that it would mean that he was no longer allowed in my room for lunch, but would be able to earn the trust back if he got the work done.

(Didn't end up being much of an issue, though, because he came in with the work. It wasn't completed, but it was a lot closer, and it was good enough. He'd stopped because he was stuck on where to go next with the piece, so he came in early this morning (he was absent yesterday), I helped him think through it, and he got it done.)

But that, I think, is why the ultimatum was the wrong choice - it didn't necessarily mean anything. It would have been better to be more concrete and have specific, measurable consequences, like not being able to come to my room, or like not being able to call me Mom, as with Honey.

I don't think telling him that I would have lost trust in him was wrong; I'm completely with TeachEnEspanol:

[T]his is a very important life lesson about the kind of man he is going to become and it is a true test of how much he values the relationships that means something to him.

He needs to know that promises should matter, and do, and breaking them isn't something to do lightly.

And as Rachel said, I could've asked him what it looked like. That would have been interesting for me, and useful. It's always good to ask kids what they think consequences are/should be. Gives good insight.

I'm really glad it worked out, that he did keep his promise. Next time I do that though, I'll be more clear on what my grandiose statement actually means.

(Also - see? This is why blogging is awesome! Because I got totally good insights and thoughts from super smart teachers whom I would never have otherwise known! Yaaaaaaay Internet!)

Should you give trust ultimatums?

I did something today. Gave an ultimatum. And I don't know if it was the right choice. I need you guys to tell me if I messed up.

I've written about Drama King a few times recently:

Drama King has been somewhat....difficult this year; he's feeling pretty burnt out on school and he's not getting a lot of work done. He's supposed to stay after school to catch up on his work and it happens now and again, but not with any regularity.

Today was another day he was supposed to stay, and OH he did not want to. And I get that, I really do - it's been a long day, he's tired, who wants to do more work after? But he doesn't get it done in class and he doesn't get it done at home and I don't know what else to do.

So he was all whiny about staying. And I told him that it was his choice and he could do whatever he wanted, but I gave him the serious unhappy-with-your-choices face, and he was like, "See? Now you're all mad!"

And I did the whole teacher, "I'm not mad, but yeah, I'm disappointed in you," spiel, and we went round and round on the whole thing, and it ended with him PROMISING that he would get a piece of writing done. And he pinky promised, which is something he usually doesn't take lightly (as juvenile as I feel doing it, kids seem to respond to it and mean it). But at first I wouldn't do it, because I told him that I didn't believe him. I finally agreed, but I told him that this was it - that if he broke this promise, that the trust was broken forever.

At that he wavered. "Like really forever? Like you won't trust me again?"

"Probably not, no. You've said you were going to do things too many times and not followed through. I'm tired of it. I'm done."

He thought for a moment, and then he held his pinky out, and promised.

I'm not sure - should I have told him that? I THINK it was the right thing, I think he needs to know that promises aren't something you can make lightly, but.....I don't know, I guess I'm just sad because I don't think he's going to come through, and it's going to break my heart a little tomorrow.

Sigh.

(Image credit to KaylaDavis)

My least favorite sub yet.

Last week, I had a sub on a day when I was at a leadership team meeting. I had to go back to school after the meeting, and when I got there, I went straight to my desk to get the sub notes.

Except there weren't any.

"Huh," I thought. "Weird. Okay, must be in my box."

But they weren't there either. I even checked with the receptionist; no notes had been left. Puzzled, I went back to my classroom. Once there I found Drama King and Short Stuff. After we'd planned our Saturday meeting, I asked about the sub.

"Oh, he was cool! He let me watch the movie!" Drama King blurted.

"What?"

"He let me watch the movie after we did research."

"He didn't send you out to finish your project?"

"Nope, he said that you'd left a list of kids who couldn't watch and I knew I was on it, but he said that he didn't care and we could just all watch."

And I realized at that moment that I'd had one of THOSE subs. The ones who completely ignore all directions, do whatever they want, tell the kids that they know better....the ones who give the amazing, hardworking, put-upon, awesome subs a bad name.

The plans I'd left had been simple. Take the kids to the library to do research for a project we're in the middle of, pass out copies of a conventions editing agreement for memoirs, give them 20 minutes to work on said memoirs, and then show them the start of Freedom Writers (we're going to do another seminar in a couple of days - hopefully it goes as well as last year's). Not too complicated, really. And yet.

He took them to the library, but then read a book while they worked. When they got back, he didn't pass out the handout, didn't give them time to write (he apparently told them to finish it for homework), and let everyone watch the movie, INCLUDING the kids whose names had been specifically left as not being able to, either due to missing work or to a missing permission slip.

And that's where he crossed the line. Because I've had subs ignore lesson plans before, and I just don't have that person back to my room, but this dude actually ignored a district policy on permission slips for films. That's something that could come back on me, and I'm not having that. So I went to my AP and told her the deal, and we're filing a complaint with the sub office.

I guess it's too bad for him that my kids are generally honest with me, even if they know they messed up; I think they'd rather tell the truth than lie and possible get caught. And in this case, they knew they shouldn't have watched it, but that's not on them. That's on him.

At least he didn't kill a beloved class pet - that would've been worse.

(Image credit to Hoggheff aka Hank Ashby aka Mr. Freshtags)

Saturday school

Something cool happened yesterday.

At least, I thought it was cool.

On Wednesday, one of my most delightful but most challenging students, Drama King, stopped in after school with a friend of his, Short Stuff. Both of these kids are fabulous, but Drama King has been somewhat....difficult this year; he's feeling pretty burnt out on school and he's not getting a lot of work done. He's supposed to stay after school to catch up on his work and it happens now and again, but not with any regularity. Wednesday was a day he was supposed to stay, but he came by to tell me he couldn't because his mom needed him to go somewhere. After he told me and I told him how disappointing that was, he stared off into space for a moment. "I just wish I could come in on Saturday."

"Yeah, right," I said. "You don't ever do any work over the weekend."

"That's because I put it off and put it off! But if I could come in and do it here, I'd totally get it done."

I looked at him. "Really? You'd actually come in?"

"Yeah, I would. It would be different because I wouldn't be tired from a whole day of school. But no one's here and I can't do it."

Was this true? Did he mean it, or was he just trying to get me to stop being mad? "Um...I have a key. If you really want to do this...we could do it."

"I really want to do it."

Short Stuff chimed in. "Can I come too? I want to get my work done too."

Wow. "You guys seriously want to do this?"

Yes, they said, they did.

"Then I'll talk to administration and see if it's okay. I'll even bring donuts."

I got permission the next day. And I figured since I was coming in anyway, I might as well let anyone who wanted to join in. So I opened it up to all my kids - explained that I knew a lot of them were behind on projects we're working on, that it can be easier to get work done at school than at home, that I had grading to do so I would do it at school and then they could get help on stuff if they needed it. I even told the other 8th grade Language Arts teachers so that their kids could come if they wanted.

A whole bunch of kids said they were coming; I hoped it was true. But then Saturday came, and I started to second-guess. It was a beautiful day - who'd want to waste it at school? And they'd said they'd be there, but they say a lot of things. I bought two dozen donuts and two gallons of milk (also requested), but as I drove, I wondered where I could donate everything when no one showed.

When I got to school, 9 kids were already waiting outside.

Over the four hours I was there, 17 students showed - 15 of mine and two friends. They worked for anywhere from one to three and a half hours, and while they probably didn't work as solidly as they could have, they generally got a LOT done, and those who didn't get a lot done at least got more done than they otherwise would have.

Seventeen 8th graders at school. On a Saturday. By choice. Sure, the donuts helped, but still.

I am so damn proud of them. It was a great idea of Drama King's, one I never would have thought to suggest - but I sure will in the future.

(Image credit to Chris.Corwin - okay, it wasn't quite THAT crowded, but still.)

End of year ideas?

Because it's close, people, awfully close (at least for those of us non-East-Coasters - I know some of you go to like the end of June). I've got 17 school days left - 17! And then.....goodbye.

So I'm trying to figure out what I want to do to wrap it all up. It's different this year since I'm teaching 8th graders; they won't be back in the fall and I feel like we should mark the passage to high school in some way.

Here's what I've got so far. Some is the same as every year; I want to add some new, though.

- I'll do my end-of-year notes and composition notebooks. I stocked up on those last summer when they were on sale for 50 cents each rather than the usual two dollars - feeling pretty proud of myself for thinking ahead here. :) I'll also do a class picture of each class and give each kid a copy.

- All my kids will sign a yearbook for me to keep as a memento; I really like doing this and would recommend it to everyone if you don't already.

- They'll do an evaluation for me about the year and my class and things I should change and things I should keep and all that good stuff. It'll be a little more extensive than my trimester-ly one, but not a whole ton.

- I got a fancy copy of Oh, the Places You'll Go! and may get another one, because this might take two. We're going to have every 8th grader write a sentence about the places THEY'LL go in the book and then keep it in our library for future kids to look at, or for themselves to come back and see.

But....that doesn't feel like enough. I could do letters to their future selves and deliver them to the local high school in four years, but with our mobility, a lot of these kids won't be there in four years....a fair chunk won't even be going next year.

I've thought about doing a Summer Literacy Challenge. I think it's such a cool idea, and while I don't know that too many kids would actually do it, it'd be awesome if any of them did. And I could totally come up with sweet stuff for a high school survival pack. Plus that would offer a way to continue our relationship a bit; they'd be able to email me or mail it to me or drop it by the school....and actually I could go to the high school one day to collect them from the kids who do go there (which is most of them). And I could talk to them about the summer reading gap as encouragement to do it....okay, as I'm writing, I'm talking myself more and more into this, so I think I will do this too. Actually, I'm kind of in love with the idea now and can't wait to start planning it.

But still. I want more. More of a celebration - maybe have kids read bits of their favorite portfolio pieces? As one final class celebration, and bring snacks and stuff again? Make a banner for next year welcoming my new students to class - ooh, maybe with six word memoirs about the year on them?

What do YOU do?

(Image credit to Eleaf)